What does it feel like to fall in love?

A sickness.
You feel weak.
Your heart becomes bigger and heavier.
What was once a soft, squishy mass has now become a pile of lead sitting on your
chest. Only they can lift it to relieve you.

You can’t eat. But it doesn’t matter because you’re not hungry.
Food does not feed the butterflies in your stomach.
Only they can fill the big, gaping hole inside.
You can’t sleep. But it doesn‘t matter because you‘re not tired.
Thinking about them keeps you up all night.
You find yourself dreaming about them during the day.
You can’t focus. Your mind cannot process anything except everything about them.
The way they talk.
The way they walk.
They way they smell.
The way they smile.
The way they laugh.
The way they fuck.
Not an obsession, but a possession.

A burning desire.
In your head when you think about them.
In your stomach when you see them.
In your heart when you’re near them.
In your hands when you reach out to touch them.
In your throat when you want to tell them how you feel.
In your mouth when you realize the words don’t come out like you want them to.
You wish they could flow easy and sharp like the wind,
But you find that they drip slow like honey off your tongue.

Ecstasy.
Pure bliss.
Nothing can get you higher than the sight, smell, sound, thought of them.
When you walk down the street, they are the only thing you see.
When you are in a crowded room, they are the only thing you hear.
When you look at the sky, you see them in the clouds.

I want to cry.
Not because I’m sad, but because I’ve lost all control.
All I have left is my breath, and somehow you’ve managed to take that away.
I feel dead, but I’ve never been so alive.
But it’s alright, because I know you’re falling too.

How to say "I love you"

I was thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed next to my boyfriend of 2 months. I felt the words dancing on the tip of my tongue, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of revealing them too soon. I know two months isn't long, but when you've done as many things and spent as much time together as we have, these two months feel more like 6. At the beginning, I was hesitant to enter a relationship with him, mostly because I acted so irresponsibly in my last relationship and I was still recovering from the consequences of my actions. But his relentless persistence to be with me led me to believe that he saw something rare and extremely special inside me. Perhaps it was simply the fact that we had not slept together and he wanted to be inside me, but for whatever reason, this boy was hooked. And I thought: “Why not? Let’s take this one for a ride.” So I did, and I still am. As it turns out, I love every moment I spend with him.

Between all the dinners, breakfasts, movies, picnics, parties, holidays, hikes, trips, and post-coital embraces, every so often I feel the urge to tell him something. And each day we spend together, with every smile and gaze we exchange, the urge grows stronger.

It’s a circular process.

It starts in my heart. I feel warmth. I feel safety and comfort in his presence. The safest place I can be is when his arms are around me. This feeling resonates throughout my body, and I express my gratitude through deep, passionate kisses and gentle caresses. This, of course, leads to further expressions of our affection and devotion to each other. And every time our bodies become one is just as beautiful and powerful as the last.

This physical connection solidifies the feeling in my heart.



Then the feeling in my heart travels to my brain. My brain has difficulty processing these seemingly irrational feelings. How could the brain do such a thing in the first place? The brain is responsible for thoughts, not feelings. Then a conversation begins. My brain says, “This cannot be love, for it is too soon.” to which my heart replies: “Love does not keep time.”

My heart wins.

Loser

I don't know what lingers within my water that has compelled me to start a blog, but I'm guessing it's loneliness and alienation. Isn't that why everybody starts a blog? Even if the words typed out on display for the whole world to see never reach the eyes of another human being, getting them out in the tangled web of cyberspace makes me feel better inside somehow. I keep a diary in which I write all my darkest secrets, yet I still feel the need to further expand my emotions and feelings to complete strangers. It's kind of sick, really. But isn't it our need for human connection, whether it be through social networking or everyday interactions, that ultimately drive us to do some of the things we do? Indeed, wouldn't it be... for lack of a better phrase, "super radical" to possibly meet some people who share similar experiences, dreams, thoughts, ideas, etc. as I do? Don't get me wrong, I have met many people who share similar interests, but the relationships are almost too complicated. Our connections are often laden with remnants of the past, or flecked with a tinge of awkwardness in the present because one party wants to fuck the other, or vice versa. I mean, how can one really establish a deep emotional connection when all that occupies one's mind is procreation? I think our basic biological instincts win out on that one. But I don't mind so much, because really, who doesn't love fucking?

I once took a philosophy class and hated most of it. It was a ridiculous waste of time. But the one (and probably only) thing I took away was my professor's assertion that the three things human beings spend most of their time thinking about are God, Sex, and Death, in that order. And you know what, I agree. Books have been written in regards to those three things, wars have been fought over them. It's no question the prevalence of these topics in all our minds. Surely, I think about them often.

That's all I have to say tonight. I have some funny stories, but there's probably a time and place for them, and that now is not that time. So I think I'll conclude this post with something completely irrelevant



The End (for now).


Post Script: If you want to die happy, with a feeling that you actually accomplished something in your lifetime, that you actually lead a meaningful and inspirational existence, go see The Black Keys live in concert, like yesterday. Their talent melts the paint off the walls and you will be impressed.